Where am I?

In the infinite horizon of time and space, where do I exist? Do I exist? Does space really end? Where does the earth exist? Questions or bizzare ideas like this seem to have captured many a coffee drinking mans attention when they could have blissfully been talking about the best girl nearby. Closer home, for another set of 40 insane folks have probably become more insane trying to make an idiot box(err, sorry, not the television. My laptop is not intelligent any more!) understand the ultimate question of mankind, “Where am I?”

There are some projects which help you learn, some which are fun, some others which are plainly impossible and some others outrightly boring. But helping a laptop blabber,”I am near Data center. You are facing a god dammed wall. Please get lost” was a challenge which breached even these sacrosanct limits. Frustration, angst, anger it sure produced, but also bucket loads of fun. In an otherwise lifeless college where you can find groups of students huddled together talking about some loop which has run a time extra, another few who share a hi-five every time they are able to ping to their neighbors computer and the rarest of rare who while away their time in the most useless of ways, just like what am doing! But in IIITB, projects make strange bedfellows, or rather floor fellow! And you find yourself rubbing shoulders with the scholars from CEEMS lab et al! Of course, they ended up building an “ intelligent” system as the course titled suggested, “Principles of Intelligent systems”. Err, well, I of course ended up barely completing it. Intelligence of course, I shall add a dimension to perception to console myself.!

But seriously, what can a project do? Its 2 am in the night and you find the owls sweeping the first floor for the slightest bit of clue that they can swoop about the first floor! And in such times, you cannot help but feel an asshole. The only comfort that one finds is in watching others code work, or rather not work! How does one feel when you teach a system a thousand times, BOSS, we are sitting near reception and like a spoilt brat, says “You are near the toilet!”. How many times, I felt like slapping the laptop? For many a seconds, I have even pondered over breaking my five year old relationship with her.

And if this was not enough, you have a professor who can troll you behind imagination. Just image yourself standing in a facultys room and the laptop says, “I am at the toilet!”. And the man laughs and says, “Yes, that is probably catching the wrong signals.!”. All this while, he is obviously silently noting it to find a grade which is the lowest amongst all. And while you are depressed that your solution is not working, he tells everyone.”Good! Good!”. You start wondering, if they changed the definition of good somewhere in the last year! And for all the crappiest code that we write, Mr. Prof asks a student to get into the lift and ask,”Where am I?”. If you thought this was it, here comes his next move? Peeps right into the camera, gets his image into it and asks, “where am I?”.Pretty sure, the “trollolololo” music is playing in some corner of his head. Move three, Turn your laptop upside down, take a picture and as you would know have guessed, “Where am I?” And if you think, your prof. Was the only one to troll you. There is not a bigger troll than the laptop which you carry everyday, the one whom you love everyday! Did it forget the day when I affectionately named her “Highbury”! Wonder if it really cared for all the love!

And the laptop sure did benifit from the whole experience. Imagine taking a one and half kilo ass with you everytime and ask it a simple question,”My dear boy, where are you? ” And it says, very proudly, in a heavy American accent, “UnKnown Region”. DAI! And if this was not enough, someone asked me, did you do a GUI? DAI, From when did blind people started seeing a GUI! And then another fellow remarking about the project,”This project had componenets of networking, image processing and speech processing!”. Calling the location was apparently speech processing. DAI!

Yet, all is well, that well, ENDS!

Away,Far Far Away

She looks pretty.There are lots of men around who swear by her.Radiating elegance, in pink and green,in beautiful camelCase few men would want to leave her. But somehow, her graceful indentation does not look my cup of tea! Rather ,coffee should I say?Or even more precisely,Java?

How often I want to run away from technology! As i key in my words in my lab on a laptop, I would prefer putting pen to a paper under a street light away from the glare of familiar faces. In a few months, even the sanity of the college would be lost. Do i want to get into the big,bad world of corporate? Perhaps,Not! I would love a badder world. An internship in one of Mumbai's famed gallis under any of the dreaded Dons is something I dream of. Something out of the world.

The underworld has always fascinated me. And more so now. Rather than rehearsing one of those scripted lines wearing a tie, I would love to wear a handkerchief on my half opened chest. While, we try so hard to be cool,the underworld oozes sexiness. Salim langda, Viru Kallia, Papu Thingna, Halkat Venkat, err, ok, the last one is yet to make an entry into Mumbai. Nevertheless, I would so love to talk to them. God, please can I intern there?

Talk of all the pay packages in the best colleges of the country. 40K per month? 50K? 60K? Underworld shall surely pay you more! Atleast I assume so. While smuggling so many gold biscuits, boss, can't I siphon one home? Enough for a year, i suppose, especially with the gold prices soaring. Talk about the hafta culture. For how long do we get exploited from the shopkeepers? Time to settle some score. God,please can I intern there?

With all the placement season around, it is tiring to hear people in the canteen talking about the other guy's company being better than theirs. And talking about profiles! To me, it all sounds the same. Boss proposes, fresher disposes! How would it matter if you are writing 4 lines in Java or in some other language? I actually feel, the Java vs C debate has become bigger than the Hindi vs Tamil debate. Pretty sure, even a freshers profile in the underworld demands you to murder a couple of people, call a dozen people and threaten them with the choicest of expletives in Mumbaiya hindi.Java and C are so passe. I wonder if they have different postings like on-site,off-site for different projects. Writing a couple of research papers would probably not even earn me a place in Wikipedia. Leave alone Wikipedia, not even on TV9 or Aaj Tak. One murder, or maybe a couple of them and pretty sure I would have more photos than Rahul Gandhi in this country.

10 years later, where do you find yourself? If you really ask me, the mirror. (PJ?, All right!) Team leader? Somehow just does not sound cool. Imagine being a gang leader instead. Chased by rival gangs every night, your blood being the aim is sure to give more thrills than fearing a french beard boss who is behind your head! And yet after many nights with coffee and code, I doubt if you would ever be wanted by your company or in some cases like mine, in home too! Here, there is a chance when even the Government of Inda might declare, “Most wanted”! Yes, Most wanted! Depending on your hardwork, as i hear, you could even be wanted by international organizations like Interpol, Federal police too! International fame in a company? Bah!God,please can I intern there?

I wonder what are the requirements for a job there? Resume, I have! A strong willed personality, Hopefully yeah! Mumbai-Hindi? Not really, but I can hopefully learn it on the job!Prior work experience? Yeah, more than 15 years of killing people with poor jokes! Projects undertaken? Hmm..Killed a mosquito a long time ago!

Hmm, if only you could write a recommendation letter for me!