Sunday, January 6, 2013

B grade


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As a child, when I was asked to write an essay on “Myself”, I could fill up sheets, or atleast lines about myself with ease. However, yesterday when I was trying to fill my bio in a popular so called social networking site, I could not manage a word. And I thought, maybe a couple of lines were not enough to describle someone as dynamic, as charming, as smart, as witty as me!

Or did I? A little more introspection, a couple of cups of coffee later, another long ride without the phone disturbing me I realized, perhaps my life was drowned in the large ocean of medioricity that the most apt bio would be “Just another guy!”. Back when I was a kid, my world was too small to realize it. My world was amma, appa and me. My cousins were yet to be born. I was my parent's world too. That was when I thought I was maybe, different and even better than others. Learning to write “A” would have made my parents so proud of me.

A couple of years later, when I learnt to read faster than others, I wondered if I was perhaps a little different, or even better than others! Those were the days, when in a film I only saw the hero and the villian. Romance made no sense to me. Comedy only understood in parts. And immediately, I could put myself into the hero's shoes.I could see myself coming out victorious in every battle that I fought. Only the villians changed. When I saw cricket, I imagined myself as Sachin pounding bowlers all over the park.When I saw Cartoons, I was Mowgli. I was the hero.

As time passes by, you realize not everyone is a hero in life. Some of the characters just make up a movie. The hero's brother, the villian's sidekick who goes to fight with the hero only to land up in a fruit stall with a broken nose, the friendly shop owner in the film, the doctor, the onlooker on the street. It is only now I realize, I am one of these characters. And am sure, there are many others who too play similar roles. Infact, most people in this world play these characters. We live for those two minutes in a three hour film when we get our friends to the theatre to excitedly show them our role which never altered the script of the movie. Far later, when the lights are off and we can listen to our voice carefully, there is a slow voice telling, You cannot rest my boy! Yes, your role does not alter the movie and that is why you should not rest. There is always someone else to play yours! The hero can rest.

In a college, the A graders are the cynosure of teacher's eyes, subjects of envious glances from peers and well respected. There is also a another group which sits in the last row usually bunking classes and make their presence felt in the only way that they know when they are present. While the intended target of their paper rockets might be the lecturer, they actually hit the girl's hearts with undiluted precision. Most of them are also good in all matters outside classroom. But there is the overwhelming majority like me who lay trapped somewhere in middle. Not the best in studying. There is always this cousin who is better than you in Math, the friend whose English speech is notches above your writing skill, the neighbour who codes stuff for which you took ages and the batchmate who makes you look a fool on the football ground.

But, as I write this, I seem to have found a new found identity for myself. I am the B grader, and a perennial one at it. That guy with spectacles, who makes his way into the class five minutes before it starts, understands a little, goes to play only to concede a stupid goal, that guy whose code you can bet never is the most efficient. That guy, who is omnipresent in every class., I am the B grade boy. After all, for every Sachin Tendulkar, that are nine Sanjay Bangars toiling away in a nondescript ground somewhere in Rajkot.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Where am I?


In the infinite horizon of time and space, where do I exist? Do I exist? Does space really end? Where does the earth exist? Questions or bizzare ideas like this seem to have captured many a coffee drinking mans attention when they could have blissfully been talking about the best girl nearby. Closer home, for another set of 40 insane folks have probably become more insane trying to make an idiot box(err, sorry, not the television. My laptop is not intelligent any more!) understand the ultimate question of mankind, “Where am I?”
There are some projects which help you learn, some which are fun, some others which are plainly impossible and some others outrightly boring. But helping a laptop blabber,”I am near Data center. You are facing a god dammed wall. Please get lost” was a challenge which breached even these sacrosanct limits. Frustration, angst, anger it sure produced, but also bucket loads of fun. In an otherwise lifeless college where you can find groups of students huddled together talking about some loop which has run a time extra, another few who share a hi-five every time they are able to ping to their neighbors computer and the rarest of rare who while away their time in the most useless of ways, just like what am doing! But in IIITB, projects make strange bedfellows, or rather floor fellow! And you find yourself rubbing shoulders with the scholars from CEEMS lab et al! Of course, they ended up building an “ intelligent” system as the course titled suggested, “Principles of Intelligent systems”. Err, well, I of course ended up barely completing it. Intelligence of course, I shall add a dimension to perception to console myself.!
But seriously, what can a project do? Its 2 am in the night and you find the owls sweeping the first floor for the slightest bit of clue that they can swoop about the first floor! And in such times, you cannot help but feel an asshole. The only comfort that one finds is in watching others code work, or rather not work! How does one feel when you teach a system a thousand times, BOSS, we are sitting near reception and like a spoilt brat, says “You are near the toilet!”. How many times, I felt like slapping the laptop? For many a seconds, I have even pondered over breaking my five year old relationship with her.
And if this was not enough, you have a professor who can troll you behind imagination. Just image yourself standing in a facultys room and the laptop says, “I am at the toilet!”. And the man laughs and says, “Yes, that is probably catching the wrong signals.!”. All this while, he is obviously silently noting it to find a grade which is the lowest amongst all. And while you are depressed that your solution is not working, he tells everyone.”Good! Good!”. You start wondering, if they changed the definition of good somewhere in the last year! And for all the crappiest code that we write, Mr. Prof asks a student to get into the lift and ask,”Where am I?”. If you thought this was it, here comes his next move? Peeps right into the camera, gets his image into it and asks, “where am I?”.Pretty sure, the “trollolololo” music is playing in some corner of his head. Move three, Turn your laptop upside down, take a picture and as you would know have guessed, “Where am I?” And if you think, your prof. Was the only one to troll you. There is not a bigger troll than the laptop which you carry everyday, the one whom you love everyday! Did it forget the day when I affectionately named her “Highbury”! Wonder if it really cared for all the love!
And the laptop sure did benifit from the whole experience. Imagine taking a one and half kilo ass with you everytime and ask it a simple question,”My dear boy, where are you? ” And it says, very proudly, in a heavy American accent, “UnKnown Region”. DAI! And if this was not enough, someone asked me, did you do a GUI? DAI, From when did blind people started seeing a GUI! And then another fellow remarking about the project,”This project had componenets of networking, image processing and speech processing!”. Calling the location was apparently speech processing. DAI!

Yet, all is well, that well, ENDS!

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Away,Far Far Away



She looks pretty.There are lots of men around who swear by her.Radiating elegance, in pink and green,in beautiful camelCase few men would want to leave her. But somehow, her graceful indentation does not look my cup of tea! Rather ,coffee should I say?Or even more precisely,Java?
How often I want to run away from technology! As i key in my words in my lab on a laptop, I would prefer putting pen to a paper under a street light away from the glare of familiar faces. In a few months, even the sanity of the college would be lost. Do i want to get into the big,bad world of corporate? Perhaps,Not! I would love a badder world. An internship in one of Mumbai's famed gallis under any of the dreaded Dons is something I dream of. Something out of the world.
The underworld has always fascinated me. And more so now. Rather than rehearsing one of those scripted lines wearing a tie, I would love to wear a handkerchief on my half opened chest. While, we try so hard to be cool,the underworld oozes sexiness. Salim langda, Viru Kallia, Papu Thingna, Halkat Venkat, err, ok, the last one is yet to make an entry into Mumbai. Nevertheless, I would so love to talk to them. God, please can I intern there?
Talk of all the pay packages in the best colleges of the country. 40K per month? 50K? 60K? Underworld shall surely pay you more! Atleast I assume so. While smuggling so many gold biscuits, boss, can't I siphon one home? Enough for a year, i suppose, especially with the gold prices soaring. Talk about the hafta culture. For how long do we get exploited from the shopkeepers? Time to settle some score. God,please can I intern there?
With all the placement season around, it is tiring to hear people in the canteen talking about the other guy's company being better than theirs. And talking about profiles! To me, it all sounds the same. Boss proposes, fresher disposes! How would it matter if you are writing 4 lines in Java or in some other language? I actually feel, the Java vs C debate has become bigger than the Hindi vs Tamil debate. Pretty sure, even a freshers profile in the underworld demands you to murder a couple of people, call a dozen people and threaten them with the choicest of expletives in Mumbaiya hindi.Java and C are so passe. I wonder if they have different postings like on-site,off-site for different projects. Writing a couple of research papers would probably not even earn me a place in Wikipedia. Leave alone Wikipedia, not even on TV9 or Aaj Tak. One murder, or maybe a couple of them and pretty sure I would have more photos than Rahul Gandhi in this country.
10 years later, where do you find yourself? If you really ask me, the mirror. (PJ?, All right!) Team leader? Somehow just does not sound cool. Imagine being a gang leader instead. Chased by rival gangs every night, your blood being the aim is sure to give more thrills than fearing a french beard boss who is behind your head! And yet after many nights with coffee and code, I doubt if you would ever be wanted by your company or in some cases like mine, in home too! Here, there is a chance when even the Government of Inda might declare, “Most wanted”! Yes, Most wanted! Depending on your hardwork, as i hear, you could even be wanted by international organizations like Interpol, Federal police too! International fame in a company? Bah!God,please can I intern there?
I wonder what are the requirements for a job there? Resume, I have! A strong willed personality, Hopefully yeah! Mumbai-Hindi? Not really, but I can hopefully learn it on the job!Prior work experience? Yeah, more than 15 years of killing people with poor jokes! Projects undertaken? Hmm..Killed a mosquito a long time ago!

Hmm, if only you could write a recommendation letter for me!

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Typically, what we do is...


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When i was three, I wanted to be my dad.When I was five, I wanted to be a conductor. When I was seven, I wanted to be Shri Ram. When I was nine, I wanted to be Shiva. Sometimes Rajnikanth,sometimes Tendulkar. So many times in life, I have practised cricketing strokes with a stick in hand imagining the blue sea cheering for me at the Eden gardens. Often, I found myself at the Azad maidan being a politican. But somewhere, firmly deep inside, I was always told I would be an engineer. I never revolted. I was never passionate about being one either. Once in a while, I have wondered what I would be doing if not an engineer? Arts? Commerce? But I would still be studying.
But, did I really become the engineer that I wanted to become? Unlike most other professions, I never knew what being an engineer was. During my bachelors, I thought more about life,love and being forever alone. And forever alone, I am, still!:) Yet, there was always a feeling somewhere deep down that I would be an engineer some day. It was almost like it was written in the stars. At the cusp of formal academics(hopefully not,yet it seems the inevitable.), I really wonder if I can ever call myself an engineer.The more i watch the inhabitants from the corporate jungle, the more they repel me.
I wonder when do normal become 'corporatorized'! Infact, every company seems to be an equation of the form:
Input: intelligent, sane people.
Output: homogenized, obnoxious corporates!
Function contents:
          1. Train them.
          2. Train them.
          3. Train them.

So what really happens to corporate people? And, I am afraid my views may dramatically change in a couple of months. And i want to capture my image of a corporate inhabitant before my model gets damaged by the impending conversion.
Let me first describe how these species look in common life
Name: Homo-corporatiens
Found in: the deep deserts of electronic city, WhiteField in big numbers.
Distinct characteristics:
Irrespective of the sex, they are characterized by a distinct identity card proclaiming their name, company and a photo of them taken when their hair was much darker and better looking. Not sure why they hang around with it even when they are out of the campus, but they do! Mostly tucked around the neck, but some cards can be found hanging around the belt too. The junior members will usually flash their local Android phone at the slightest pretext and the senior folk use their blackberry to either send mails,telling they will be late to the meeting or flirting with the prettiest juniors! Otherwise, the men folk usually wear a formal shirt with the neck button also buckled in decently and a shoe. These things, supposedly help their productivity. It's more easier spotting the women folk though. If you find a woman in a kurti or a formal shirt, mokkai pottufying with a guy on phone or atleast covering her ears with an earphone, as if the common folk would otherwise ask her the time, then be sure, this is one of the corporate ladeezz!!Of course, the highest probability of finding them in areas which traditionally do not belong to them are in the Volvo buses!
Languages known:
A highly esoteric and grammer less form of English which has evolved over the years in the far away lands of America is widely spoken across all sects of the corporate hierarchy. The accent might sound stylish, but unfortunately, it stops at that. Typically, words like “typically, what we do at our organization is....”, “platform as a service, mindlessness as a service, service as a service(OK, they dont know what does service really mean!)”, “we, at the industry deal with problems which involve scales or a few millions blah blah!!” are used once in every two sentences. And yeah, they usually can't speak without Microsoft ppts! Some of the richer buggers use Apple and all! But, you know can afford to sleep in a presentation if you see the logo of the company and he starts talking about “What we primarily do in our company is!”. Ok, every company spokesperson (or technical lead, as they call themselves) tells we are no. 1 in blah blah, no.2 in blah blah. All i know is it's all blurred. Everybody in the corporate world is no. 1 only!!
ooooo and how do i forget the women folk!! Especially, the HR people. For them, employees are never people. Some are folks. Some are blandly called resources. RESOURCES? WTF! OK, but seriously, why do these women have to wear some stupid looking formal shirt to look formal? And yeah, please stop talking about “grooming” skills again. Broom will come in hand, ok?

Probably, in a couple of months, even I will be one among them. Probably, one of my juniors might curse them. Or maybe, not. So is life!

Friday, October 19, 2012

It's not all that bad!



If to compliment is divine, to crib is  human! And crib, we can! Or is it only we, Indians who do it? The other day, I happened to share my dinner with a very pretty Swedish lady (I really love talking about her!:P) and she said, all they ate back home was potatoes and meat!! Only boiled potatoes and meat?? Terrible, I say.
In fact, so many of our dinner conversations seems to  start and end with cribbing. But that apart, there are so many kinds of people when it comes to food. The first breed, is of the Shashanka ilk! He believes that canteen food is evil,pure evil. Tell me,  have you ever seen him eating  in the canteen for 3 consecutive days? Pretty sure,you can't. Thats a different story that he can be officially credited for creating the “White Revolution” in our college. I genuinely think he has a credit account with Cafe Corner where he seems to reside when in the hostel!
The second is the asshole type! They really dont have an opinion of their own. When they sit with a dal eating fellow, they will outrage against the poor quality of dal without eating it ofcourse and rave about how dal is prepared in their village. Yeah, village! Oh, I forgot, there is a certain variant of this population for whom the views are shaped so that they mirror that of their favourite gals! Well, anyway, once an asshole, always one.
Then there is the so called “rational” fellow. In chaste English, he begins, “Dude, why do you think we need 2 sabjis!I mean why can't we just have one sabji and get fruits or so. You see it's more healthier.”. Please, don't ask me where he ate yesterday evening. Of course, am going to tell you. Hogs at Subway and talks about health in the canteen. Ok, now I need some protection since this guy stays only a couple of doors away.Anyways, boss you should have gone to the food committee meetings, no?:P
The fifth type! Their views have are private only to  their friends. Occasionally, they might like what others post on FB. But their mouths open only to eat and not to talk! Yet, they always want Vamsi to take on others. And papa, Vamsi. Anybody uses an app to find out who is his enemy and his name pops out first.
And the last is probably, the worst. It's me. He knows no taste, no likes. All he needs is curd. And since, I have no regrets with the current food, I can continue to afford writing!

Friday, October 5, 2012

Pray tell me who are you!!



There,there they go again. Under the august garb of red and yellow, a few pieces of glass will go to the bin today. A few expletives will be exchanged with the English speaking junta. Auto-wallahs will start pretending they dont know Tamil. Jobless fellows will become jobless forever. And now, they are stoning WIPRO? Really? Err,wait, Did they even touch the KSRTC?
Yella ok,pa? But dear vandalizer, who are you? Where did you learn Kannada? You speak so well and you pretend to be a Kannadiga!? I still believe you are an agent of destruction sent by envious states. Yes, you folks, whoever support the strike, you cannot be Kannadigas. I am a Kannadiga,by choice and I know the pride that runs through my veins when I stand at the Chennai bus stand and watch people trying to get into the “Rajahamsa” leaving the poor SETC Ultra-Deluxe buses alone. And you people who strike,even felt like stoning our very own KSRTC? Would someone from this glorious state break the bones of his own sister? For all the things that Karnataka stands for,KSRTC is one of the most glorious symbols i have known and any man stopping it's operations too is a traitor. KSRTC for all i know is not just a transport vehicle and even the mention of it as a mere government carrier is but trivial. For me, it's one of the lifelines of Karnataka and every single blow on the buses is a slap on the face of every Kannadiga!
Oh brother, the yellow and red stripes deserve better shoulders than your's!
And stoning WIPRO? Hell,yeah! Shows you have never read newspapers,never seen news channels. Yeah, the corporate community might not speak Kannada. Agreed.They speak C,java,python,English-vinglish. But,ever bothered to open BBC? When Infy became the first Indian company to be listed in NASDAQ, ever felt what it was when the world knew that a company headquartered in namma Bengalooru could rise to international levels? Ever felt the pride when Obama refers to India as Bangalore in software context? As one of my uncle says, Bangalore has become the simha-swapna for the Americans. I really cant help believe you are destructive agents sent only to malign the image of Karnataka. Why would someone stab himself!
I cannot help but feel pathetically bad about our very own men rampaging against us. It takes enormous sacrifice to build a state. But destruction is only a 'stone's throw away. We all love Kaveri,but can we sacrifice our beloved Karnataka for it? Isn't the price a tad too heavy? Have we lost faith in the democratic process? From when did we leave the red and yellow and turn to black?
Out of all things to feel bad, for a state which is known to stay ahead of time, have we come to a situation where we have to protest in a method which was most relevant a hundred years ago. To talk of it, we were the first city to have electricity in the country. Bangalore, please dont tell me no! We are probably the only city which has IISC,IIM and a proposed IIT. To come to this level of intellectual poverty? It is time for us to fight back. Fight back from the people who have hijacked the state and attacking it's very own people.It's time to define who is a Kannadiga!
We have just finished 50 glorious years of independent existence. A hundred is a long way to go. The warning signs are there everywhere! For all those who really love the state, isn't it time we reclaim it back from the hooligans?

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Hiisssss, Koi Hai


Long, shiny, mysterious,dangerous, five years ago, she first kissed the sands of Yelahanka, the land of air birds and lakes. For all the terrror that she sent across my spine, I loved standing behind the wall to watch her crawl, glide,fly and slide. Elegance was no more a word in dictionary for me. She was elegance.
Every evening, when I closed my eyes, her shrill hiss completed my world. Was it sheer fright,an eagerness for it to encore.Reasons nonetheless, I started longing for the sound. The same sound which still haunts me, to this date. It isnt a hissing sound any longer. Like a river, which changes form, colour,size and sound, the metamporhisis of hiss was much more enchanting and confusing. It was sweet melody. It was nectar to the ears. And at times, poison to the heart. Now, I have lost words. Yet, I know it's her. Probably, I do not hear it any longer. I can only feel it within my heart. Yet, it's as loud and clear as I heard it so many summers ago.
Yet, she was but another animal.Then why her? The dark emotions which she carried with elan. The jealousy,envy,competition,blood and lust is what made her more interesting than others. Magic looked real. The world looks dumber,when it shares frame with her. And trust me, India is not a land of snakes. But, a land of snake charmers.
Illadvised, I too tried becoming one. My tunes, she never heard. Her hisses, I always heard. Yet, if there is anything in this world which it makes it the lovely place it is, is the sense of challenge, the extra-ordinary gut when you know you are doing the impossible,yet the reward for what if I really won? Helping us get up every day. Does my words make you feel I was trying to pet a snake?
No, a snake is wild and therin,lies its beauty. She was an obsession. A muse for my poetry, a subject of my creativity and object to pour my love on. For a real snake charmer, it really does not mind if the world is amused or otherwise. That is the world you know. In his world is a small snake. Terrified not by her,but only by the thought of losing her.
And it is not the bites that a snake charmer would care. The snake poison is now blood. It is not the thought of someone stealing away the snake. Yet, there is a day which is tough to digest.
No, it was not the hissing back, or the fatal bite. But when she decided to finally show the tail side to me. For once, the grace in her locomotion was missing.Silently, when she slid back to where she came from. For all my thoughts on me being a charmer, I was in a trance.
The trance might be broken. Yet she is the hottest cold blooded animal I have ever seen. I call her X.